drummer interlude

Long-haired, bearded B was amazing on drums for The Love Language. That is all.

master cleanse, ease-out days 1 to 3: lemons to cookies

We went from strictly


to ... um ...


in the space of three days. I feel slightly guilty, but not really. Seriously, moderation. In one corner, a little salad, veggies and fruit (okay, a lot), and in the other corner, some homemade chocolate chip and peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies. Pure balance. I've never, ever been a calorie counter or kept tabs on my weight so this whole experience has been an experiment in new habits, looking inward (way, way), and coming out the other end about 10 lbs. lighter in the body and a couple pounds of knowledge heavier in the head. Yeah, that doesn't sound so appealing, but you know what I mean. My final weight loss was actually about 13 lbs., but eating again brought it back up quickly. I was glad, actually. My tummy was probably glad too and it didn't get too pissed off as we eased ourselves slowly back into solid food-eating society.

Ease-out day 1: I got up early to make the fresh squeezed orange juice that was supposed to last us all day. The first taste of tangerine pulp was yummy, but not transcendental. Still citrus! Anyway, I pureed orange and tangerine slices with some water and ice cubes and called it brunch. Not a bad way to make OJ, but the skin does make it a bit bitter.

Yeah, this is going to be all about food.

During lunch, B had a revelation: we can get Jamba Juice! They have all-fruit smoothies! And on top of that, there's a buy-one-get-one-free coupon! Mega Mango was it. Admittedly, I did feel a pang of guilt buying this thing because I didn't truly know if there was added refined sugar or whatever. You get a little hesitant after drinking home-squeezed juice concoction for a week and a half. Anyway, it ended being awesome.

I was stuck with this idea to make some kind of all natural Orange Bang at the end of the day because honestly, straight up blended fruit wasn't going to cut it. Needed some soy milk up in there. Vanilla soy milk + banana + orange juice really hit the spot, and started a smoothie craze train that I'm still riding.

At this point, I was super excited about making the vegan vegetable soup. I think I even yelled 'I'm gettin' crackin'!!!' to B as I sprinted to the kitchen. Yeahhh. Warm belly time. I omitted the kidney beans for zucchini because I was afraid they would turn into firecrackers inside our bodies. It even felt good to be cooking again, as much fun as it was to work in our lemonade chem lab. The soup was amazing, eating all the textures, and feeling the hot, herby broth sit in my tummy. (By the way, that watermelon licorice was a free sample offered by the supermarket clerk the evening of Day 10. I took it and smelled it from top to bottom for a minute. You would too.)

Ease-out day 2: I think I've made my bestest smoothie thus far! Chocolate soy milk + banana + peanut butter. Right? Right? So good. Like drinking a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapped in banana or something. The vegetable soup lunch was killer, using dark rye crackers as a 'spoon'. The crunchy, savory, roasty taste was so perfect. My shrunken stomach got stuffed fairly quickly, but later in the afternoon, I decided to get a banana snack from 7-11. Why I decided to buy 1 banana for $0.69, I have no idea, but down it went. This is where it got stuck in a big lump in my mid-section. My stomach was probably confused by this object. It still didn't stop me from having Chinese chicken salad (without chicken) and some roasted potatoes from California Chicken Cafe for dinner. My tastebuds were officially stoked and back in business.

Ease-out day 3: Beach barbeque day. It ended up to be a little too no holds barred. A few bites of citrus marinated chicken, some spicy hot link, two types of cookies I made (because one is not enough), sesame cole slaw, Pop Chips. B tried a can of soda right after I swiftly kicked him on the rear. He was totally put off by how sweet it tasted though. Stanley Burroughs definitely rolled over in his grave. But like I said, moderation. Party mode isn't every day, and anyway, a salad is my type of shindig these upcoming days. Crunch on.

master cleanse, day 10: countdown to normal human

What a ride, eh colon? Sigh. You've been such a good sport.

Oh, man. Almost there. I already felt so happy, proud, accomplished, clean, light, emptied out, inspired, renewed and a little hungry. I wasn't craving anything in general and still felt quite normal just consuming my lemon elixir.

Okay, fine, I lied. I heard about someone eating a kale and potato frittata and I became completely obsessed by it. Totally. I ravenously looked up recipes to save for later and gazed starry-eyed at pictures of this roasty chunky eggy magnificence. It was happening all week. I'd hear or read about a food and I'd get completely fixated by it, until I was seduced by the next food item to cross my path. I thought I'd be dying to chew on something solid, but I'm surprisingly okay. I'm actually more nervous about eating solids too soon and finding myself in either a poop-a-thon or major stoppage. Colon, shaking its head.

I got several oranges and tangerines to get ready for our ease-out day 1 juice (weeee!), and also a bottle of Nature's Life Acidophilus Probiotic in Blueberry Blast. There were so many in the health section fridge and I made the educated choice by picking the one with the yummiest looking packaging. And it's called Blueberry Blast, for crying out loud. I'm planning to take at least a tablespoon a day for about a week or two.

I feel like a MONK. No food dreams whatsoever and no intense food cravings to turn me into the Incredible Hulk or something. (B, however, had a dream he was spreading cream cheese on a half a bagel.) We've been living this simple, monastic life, getting up at dawn, making all our meals with the same four ingredients. Pared down, comforting, and totally refreshing. Aside from the evil SWF, which you need meditative fortitude to get through, it's been awesome, physically and mentally. The difference between need and want of food is so great now. Chances are, the 'wants' are the monsters that make me want to taste every dessert in the buffet or eat free donuts at work. I'm all about quality, not quantity. And balance, absolutely.

master cleanse, day 9: hypnotized at the market

Great, I've started a new journal with poo talk right at the beginning. It's purely for documentation purposes, folks. It's not a thing I have. That said ... day 9! I expected new developments in the BM area, but nope. Same old, same old. I'm glad I'm going everyday though because that's the whole point of this deal. Got a tummy ache at work, which was unusual – the first discomfort I've had because of the tea. I was thinking maybe it was the toxins escaping, but who knows. Still feeling fine and if I were hardcore, I'd have enough juice in me to go another few days, but the light at the end of the tunnel is too warm and inviting.

I've been asking people what they had for lunch and love to hear their food descriptions in detail. So satisfying. Also, the obsession of the day is PIE. I ventured into Evan Kleiman's KCRW Good Food to stare at oh, things like this (from my Yelp friend Anna A.) and I'd love to make this. Pie, pie, pie.

Also, I've been researching the ease-out. Though the original book recommends fresh squeezed OJ for ease-out day 1, it would be awesome to sneak in a little something something that's not a citrus fruit. Even a tiny bit of vegetable would be amazing. Meat, fish, eggs, bread, pastries, tea, coffee, or dairy are out of the question. I'm looking up vegan soup recipes and salivating. After binging on more 'Arrested Development' Season 1, like we have all week (notice GOB getting ready to cut lemons for juicing), we decided to go to the market and stare at food. I mean ... gather ingredients for the yummy soup we're preparing on ease-out day 2. I walked through every food aisle like a dazed stoner, inspecting all the delicious looking packages and damn near smelling them. Then I went around and gathered onions, zucchini, tomatoes, and other fresh veggies for The Best Soup on Earth. When I went to look for B, I discovered him catatonic in the cookie and cracker aisle, like the last part of 'The Blair Witch Project'. Yeah, it's been real, but we're ready to come back to civilization.

No motivational messages for today. Please go here for that.

master cleanse, day 8: just a normal day

Get up, go to the bathroom, SWF, make lemonade. It's gotten so normal. I've learned to effectively squeeze lemon juice, the powers of cayenne pepper, and how quickly we can down maple syrup. Oh, and that thick Aunt Jemima stuff is fake. Energy is still at a good level, but I noticed I didn't wake up as early today. I'm thinking my 6am wake ups were attributed to the Smooth Move tea some days, but also to the excitement of this experiment. A little more mucus today and the lemonade was damn firey! Bless you cayenne for herding things around inside.

That brings me to probiotics. We definitely want to take these after we're done to replace the good bacteria that was removed when we exfoliated our colons. Weird. It's almost over. Now, I better understand the benefits of drinking water with lemon in the mornings. Them citrus are good.

There's absolutely no half-assing this thing. You're in or you're out. The cold turkey breaking of my food routine as I know it is awesome to say the least. Empowering and completely mental. Physical, yes, of course, but more mental. It's doubtful that I have a higher tolerance for discomfort and pain than the next person, but I was 100% determined. The mindless snacking had to be stopped! And I think it will.

master cleanse, day 7: made something new

Nothing much to report, except two things:

1. I thought I had gotten used to the SWF, but no. Today was unbearable. Maybe that salt water shooter wasn't the greatest idea because I feel my gag reflex getting ready to react just thinking about it. The tea is doing me some good. I'm eliminating like clockwork in the morning, and I think I might just be done with the SWF unless I feel masochistic.

2. Mucus. Not in my nose, but ... down there. I've read about it, and I'm guessing my detoxing has progressed to sort of a new phase. We got some new organic cayenne pepper yesterday, more potent than the previous kind, and my lemonade was more fiery than usual. Seeing as cayenne clears mucus from the body, it looks like it's doing its job.

I'm feeling the need to cleanse everything around me now. The house, the yard, my clothing and belongings. It's an overall purge, just the boost I needed.

Still satisfied as a lemonarian for now, but totally excited to eat again. We've been thinking about Salsa and Beer, our favorite Mexican restaurant. They were supposed to open up a location about 5 minutes away earlier this summer and still haven't. B just had to call yesterday to find out when they were opening. Ha! Clogging up my system with fajitas and enchiladas sounds so wrong. But a little right.

Photo of giant sea mucus.

master cleanse, day 5 & 6: getting over the hump

Gah! Halfway! It's been surprisingly easier than I expected. Serious shocker.

So far, the worst parts are (1) guzzling the dreaded SWF on my usual bloaty morning stomach (the salt shot has worked well for me although B thinks it's absolutely disgusting), and (2) when my tummy goes empty, food pornography starts popping up in my head like crazy. Not only that, I describe them in delicious, luscious detail with B. Then, I drown them out with lemonade and I'm good.

Day 5: After the Smooth Move tea before bed, I woke up to a velociraptor growling in my stomach and had to extinguish it in the bathroom. Even though I slept at midnight again, I had no issues popping awake at 6:15am. SWF resulted in more chocolate shake. I'm looking for new stuff here, bowels. Please surprise me. The work day turned out to be a turbulent beast and I had to squeeze in lemonade chugs here and there, not because I was hungry, but because I just thought my body needed it. I was even working on a project where I was staring at large glossy images of sushi rolls, and on top of that, someone in the office got sushi for lunch and I could smell the soy sauce so loudly. (That's another thing: sense of smell is way heightened. I guess the taste sense went on vacation and lent its powers to the nose.) I wanted it, I craved it, but I didn't really want to physically eat it. Odd indeed.

B's caffeine headaches are gone and he's finally feeling energetic and good. As some kind of torturous exercise, he had to make a list to share with me:

Food I have been craving
Turkey Sandwich, Mike's Way from Jersey Mike's
Fajitas from Salsa & Beer
Mac & Cheese (only on day 2)
Grilled Cheese
Teriyaki Chicken from New Japan
Jerk Chicken

Great, now my appetite is rearing up. I'm a little nervous about Day 6. My family is having a birthday celebration in typical Chinese style with eating as its main activity and though I've got the cravings cornered, I'm just not sure what other people are going to think. Crossing fingers.

Day 6: So, I suddenly feel like some kind of alien or at least a species of human who subsists on liquids alone. A keeper of jars of yellowish mystery substance. It's cool, being of the lemonade tribe. It feels totally normal now, like a lifestyle choice that I chose and am living with. Even when my mom told me they were having baked chicken wings, yin-yang fried rice, noodles, cashew chicken, shrimp and green beans, I didn't really feel any ravenous urges. However, when she mentioned there was going to be a fruit platter, that made my mouth water. There's a definite attraction to whole unprocessed foods.

We've nailed down a good daily lemonade formula for each person: 3/4 c. fresh squeezed lemons and limes, 3/4 c. maple syrup, 1 tsp. cayenne, and 60 oz. water. We packed our bottles for the day and headed out. In the car drive over, I realized that we hadn't been around food at all. Practically empty fridge with lemons everywhere. We're very lucky that we're doing the cleanse together so there have been no temptations. No nyah nyah, I'm eating pepperoni pizza and you're not. As I entered the house, the delicious fragrance of sauteed veggies and meat hit my nose and I totally felt satisfied just smelling the aromas. I was able to help plate food and not have any desire to nibble on anything. In the back of my mind, I knew that eating might make me constipated or ill, but regardless, I was content with my lemonade and just watching everyone enjoy themselves. The mango mousse cake, and lychee and fresh peach yogurt ice creams from Fosselman's were just slightly painful to pass up, but we found it pretty easy to keep disciplined. Family and friends were pretty supportive and interested in what we were up to, which was an awesome relief.

8 lbs. lost. Water weight that I'll most likely gain back, but it feels good. There's no quitting now. I don't think there ever was, but even more so after today. Going all the way, friends!

master cleanse, day 4: paleta dreams

I was bad today. I skipped the SWF.

After I received a surprise bathroom excursion at 5am due to the Smooth Move tea, I jumped back into bed and gave myself permission to konk out till about 8am. I've had a good experience with the tea, but on the flipside, B's been getting major cramps before he's able to eliminate. The past few days, I'd been getting up at 6am to give myself at least a couple hours to get everything out and make the day's lemonade, but I had slept at midnight and with the busy workday ahead, I needed to zzzzzzz. Actually, I've been waking up refreshed with not much grogginess so I really could have made it easily on 6 hours sleep, feeling even better than I normally do with more. It's so great to pop open away feeling bright and ready to go.

Almost halfway. Work was nonstop today and toward the end of the day, I realized that I had only drank about half my lemonade and no water! Water is probably just as important to keep things moving, and my chapped lips attested to that. It's funny, I'm kind of getting used to this slightly hungry feeling I have in my belly. Maybe I'm not focused on it because I'm occupied, but it feels better than stuffing myself to 110% and going unconscious in the afternoon. Pee is usually clear, feeling super hydrated. Awesome. Mental note to drink a lot more water when I return to normal eating civilization.

My warped fantasy of the day while drinking the cayenne lemonade is eating frosty paletas de agua (fruit juices) or de leche (with milk or cream). Particularly, one I heard about on KCRW's Good Food show: cucumber paleta with chile powder mixed in. Maybe I need to turn this drink into a popsicle ... hmm ...

Photo of pineapple-chile paleta from Serious Eats.

master cleanse, days 2 & 3: lemonade, my best friend

So, I daydream/research a lot about what I'm going to put in my mouth next. Lunch during a work day, restaurants to try on the weekend, recipes to collect and hopefully create. I found myself looking at endless photos and reviews on Yelp just to eat them with my eyes.

It's so odd not to eat. As with most working folks, my days are sectioned off by meals, especially at work, when I'm allowed to get off the wheel and nibble in the corner. Now, it's like a weird new space of time has opened up for me to do – wow – whatever I want? Sadly, it has been extra internet trolling time and playing Words With Friends while I sip on the lemonade of fire, which has been growing increasingly more delicious. Maybe delicious is the wrong word. Nicely tolerable, okay, especially when cold. Even the cayenne is growing on me. There were times where I'd chug it and it felt like downing alcohol on an empty stomach. The semi-spicy liquid hitting bottom and warming up my insides. Yeah, I'm pretending it's liquor to feel like I'm imbibing a treat.

Day 2: The SWF was worse today. I woke up with a slightly bloated stomach and decided to kick myself into MC bootcamp again anyway. I snarfed it down over the sink and while it felt like it was settling around the balloon in the center of my tummy, I tried to hula-hoop it all down to take care of business below. More liquid explosion.

I have one tip for girls: it might not be the best timing to do the MC during or before your period. There's going to be a lot of extracurricular activity in the bowels and one more reason to bloat and release stuff might not be too welcomed. Unless you're in for the double whammy challenge, then more power to you.

Fairly easy day, thanks to work sitting on me like a gorilla. I'm actually concerned that I'm not drinking enough of my daily allotment (roughly 70 oz.), but I do have enough to keep me going, unlike B, who has run out of his juice by early afternoon. As a chronic soda drinker, he has started getting bad caffeine withdrawal headaches as in the past when he cut his intake. MC will hopefully be a kickstart in helping him beat the habit for good.

Day 3: I'm getting craftier with the SWF situation and decide to do a salt water concentrate shot (4 oz. water + the 2 tsp. salt) and chase it with the remaining 28 oz. of purified water. My issue isn't the act of chugging. It's the chugging of a saline tidal wave. I'm making stink face just thinking about that super salt shooter, but it was worth it. In regards to the SWF effects, as everyone says, 'Don't fart'! I was marinating on the sofa when I felt an innocent urge. Luckily, I've read so many red flags that I decided to do it over a toilet. Yeah. So please don't.

Still feeling satisfied and even a bit attached to the lemonade elixir. I'm thinking maybe I need a stash of lemons, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper to store away with the earthquake water. When the big one hits, we'll be cleansed and satiated for days with our lemonade while others will be looting the 7-11 across the street for Funyuns and Rockstar Energy drinks. Despite all this, I still totally ate my co-worker's roast chicken with my nostrils.